Mixing it up..

Okay so life has been a bit crazy lately.

So here are something I must say,

1. I have made horrible choices in men.
2. Only I can choose the person I want to be.
3. I will learn from my bad choices and own the responsibility for my choices.
4. I will NOT let my past or my bad choices hold be back from who I want to be.

1. Horrible choices in men… I have 2 boys they are 6 and 7. They will be referred to by their ages. 6’s dad was not a nice person and like it is commonly said hindsight is 20/20. I want to say I don’t know how I missed all the signs but I know that when I came back home from Oklahoma pregnant with 7, I was so scared I was un-lovable because I was pregnant and not married and being raised in a strict christian family didn’t help with that feeling either. So when someone showed me that I was lovable I took it and ran. While I was pregnant with 7 he never hit me. Verbally abusive every once in a while. When 7 was born it went to hell. He had already gotten in my head and pitted me against my mom telling me that she just wanted 7 for herself and it led to a blow up fight with me and mom where I was arrested for hitting her. Now that situation is not as simple as the sentence. She had me served with court papers for 7 in front of her friends after we had already discussed not doing that. I went to hold my son and er friends jumped on my back and ripped him from my arms. I did not act appropriately and I am the one to blame for my choice to hit her. I should never have laid a hand on my mother. Violence only breeds more violence. back to 6’s dad i stayed in hotels with him since I couldn’t go back to my mom’s house and when I was 2 months pregnant with 6 he hit me and knocked out my 2 front teeth and messed up 2 of my vertebra so some days walking is easy but others is a severe struggle. I found out I was pregnant a week later and in my head I thought maybe we could work things out for the kid. NEVER A GOOD IDEA!!! In March of 2011 when I was 4 1/2 months pregnant and we both knew het hit me again and this was the last time. Black eye and bloody nose. I started planning my escape my mom set up an appointment with The Family Place and one of there counselors. One of the hardest things to get past was his statement,” Your own mom doesn’t want you, so who else is going to want you?”
2. I will choose the person I want to be, and NONE of my bad choices or mistakes will hold me back. I will choose to still be a happy and loving person!! I could have stayed a victim and became bitter and let the horrible thing that happened define me, but what would that teach my boys? Life is too short to be angry and bitter all the time. I will learn from this and I will always be here to listen or tell where resources can be found and help when possible!! But WE CANNOT REMAIN VICTIMS!! WE MUST BECOME SURVIVORS, there is way too much hate in the world already to contribute more!! We must start showing love, but please understand that does not mean stay!! It means love yourself enough to get away, love your kids enough to save them too. I want to be happy, I want to show my boys that when you get knocked down you can get back up and still make something of yourself.

Have a great night!!

The Family Place

http://www.genesisshelter.org/

Working and sick

I had intended to write every day but as to working a heck of a lot of 12 hour shifts and severe migraines i have been staying off phones and computers.. I will be back Saturday or Sunday. Y’all are the best.

I’m Still Learning…

Background about me…

My name is Kayla, I am 27 and I am a Texan.

I will be completely honest as being only 27 you will be surprised as to what I have been through. And this is just a short start.

At 3 months old i was taken away from my biological mother and father by CPS for child neglect, endangerment and abuse. I have 4 half sisters 2 brothers. I was finally adopted by a couple, I still call Mom and Dad, at 18 months old. My mom and Dad have been devoriced for a long time now i dont remember when it happend but i was little. Because my mom was able to remarry twice and i only remember the name of the guy she married the second time. Now her third marriage I remember quite well. He was the longest 12 or 14 years. He was a pastor but from 8th grade on I remember telling my mom “He doesnt treat you right you deserve better”. He was verbally and emotionally abusive to her and I thought I would never allow someone to treat me that. My adoptive dad (Terry) was never around and never supportive of us unless you count the child support he sent my mom. But what am trying to get out of this I had no decent men around. I only had my Grandpa that I got to see once maybe twice a year until that stopped because my mom didnt like her step sisters. He passed away 9 years ago next month and I miss him. There are a lot of times I think about him and I hope he would be proud of me.

Honestly, TO BE CONTINUED…

Where to start…

Hi,

I am still learning, honestly, is about my life and what I have been through since I was a kid. Choices I have made wether good or bad and about things in my life I had no control over. Its about accepting responsibility and finally being able to not be ashamed of what I could not control but being able to talk about it and maybe it will help someone and maybe my pain can do something good for others.

Now for a few facts

1) I am a survivor of domestic violence

2) I am smart and I still make mistakes

3) I am adopted( its complicated)

4) I have PTSD and depression

5) I will choose to be happy because life is to short to be miserable.

I have to be up for work soon because i have kids to support.